Sunday, May 31, 2009

May 31st

All right, this may get dark and depressing for a little bit! Going through the stages of Grief! Oh happy day. : /

I keep expecting for it to hit me. Nanny is dead. I was there, I saw it. Why then do I refuse to want to believe that she is really gone? Crap I WANT HER BACK!!!!! That is one side, the other knows that this is where she wants to be. She was looking forward to seeing her Dad again, she told me so one day when we were talking. I am happy that she has gotten to see her Dad again but that doesn't completely ease my pain know does it! I know, I know, I am being a baby but this is the first person that was really close to me that has gone on. My cousin I barely knew, I was 6, he was 13, the same thing with my great grand parents, one I knew more about and had seen, the other I only heard stories about, not exactly the kind of great grandma you would want to have your kids around. But that is another story for another time. 29 years. I had 29 years with Nanny, lived next to her most of my life, all but 6 years. Now that I am no longer married and have 2 kids I began to look up to her even more, I mean she raised 6 kids on her own and one of them was in invalid. My heart aches, I don't want to deal with the pain for so long now my dealing with the pain was pushing it back, now I have no choice I have to deal with the pain or become that person that I became back then, I have healed some since then and I have no desire to go back. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to scream. I want, crap I don't know what I want! I think that anger and denial are coming together. Yes I know that is all screwed but but hey this is me what did you expect. I have ever do anything the easy was? Don't answer that! Then I am getting mad at Shane for not pulling his wieght has a parent. Oh come on now. Why now do I get mad to him! I guess he is just my target for my anger, I kinda of like the target, he needs to step up and be a mad and take care of his kids. From what I remember he was there to when they were created. There is so much more that I want to get out but I don't know the words to explain it so for now I will go and work on my Math homework!!