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Sunday, May 31, 2009

May 31st

All right, this may get dark and depressing for a little bit! Going through the stages of Grief! Oh happy day. : /

I keep expecting for it to hit me. Nanny is dead. I was there, I saw it. Why then do I refuse to want to believe that she is really gone? Crap I WANT HER BACK!!!!! That is one side, the other knows that this is where she wants to be. She was looking forward to seeing her Dad again, she told me so one day when we were talking. I am happy that she has gotten to see her Dad again but that doesn't completely ease my pain know does it! I know, I know, I am being a baby but this is the first person that was really close to me that has gone on. My cousin I barely knew, I was 6, he was 13, the same thing with my great grand parents, one I knew more about and had seen, the other I only heard stories about, not exactly the kind of great grandma you would want to have your kids around. But that is another story for another time. 29 years. I had 29 years with Nanny, lived next to her most of my life, all but 6 years. Now that I am no longer married and have 2 kids I began to look up to her even more, I mean she raised 6 kids on her own and one of them was in invalid. My heart aches, I don't want to deal with the pain for so long now my dealing with the pain was pushing it back, now I have no choice I have to deal with the pain or become that person that I became back then, I have healed some since then and I have no desire to go back. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to scream. I want, crap I don't know what I want! I think that anger and denial are coming together. Yes I know that is all screwed but but hey this is me what did you expect. I have ever do anything the easy was? Don't answer that! Then I am getting mad at Shane for not pulling his wieght has a parent. Oh come on now. Why now do I get mad to him! I guess he is just my target for my anger, I kinda of like the target, he needs to step up and be a mad and take care of his kids. From what I remember he was there to when they were created. There is so much more that I want to get out but I don't know the words to explain it so for now I will go and work on my Math homework!!

Monday, May 25, 2009

May 25th

Ahh Memorial Day. A day to remember those that have fought for this country. But how many of us really take the time to stop and remember and say Thanks for what they have done and what they continue to do even today. I guess being a sister to a Marine and having a very close family friend that was a Marine, God rest his soul, I know that these men and women and their families endore for us. The time away from family and friends is just the start, they go through training that would break the weak, then are shipped off to a forgien land with a gun in hand and told to shoot to kill. Take a second and think about the mental part of that, knowing that you have taken a human life, granted some of them need to be taken out (Hitler and the 3rd Right, and well that crazy guy that was in the Iraq, Saddam Hussien.) Then if they are lucky enough to make it home that haunts them for how long? Then there are those that are gone. All gave some, and some gave all. Those that have given all, then of what they went through, I don't even what to think about that, to be far from home, laying their wanting loved ones near and yet knowing that they can not be there. And they did all of this for? For you. For me. For this country that they love. Has the country done them proud? What would they think of it today?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

May 5th

Wow how time has flown by!!! I am now back in school, I am changing my major to Nursing. Funny but this is something that I should have done a long time ago. Kids change everything. But I guess going back to school now is better than not have gone at all! My Grandmother, Ruby, my mom's mother, has lung cancer. We found out March 25. Easy day to remember, I was in Norcross and that WAS mine and Shane wedding anniversary. Come to find out she has some type of scan 4 years ago and there was something that the scan, so we think that she has had cancer for 4 years now, so the good part is that it is a slow growing cancer but the bad news is that we missed 4 years of knowing and now she is getting worse each day. I am glad that I have gotten to have this time with her, that I live next door and that I get to help out when I can, it is not every easy when you have 2 toddlers to take care of and are going to school full time. I have also started helping Dad cut grass because he is getting to where he can't. I know that I am not the only one that is going through something like this and I take comfort in knowing that and I know that with God's strength we will make it through. I know that if I tried to do this on my own that I could never make it but with God's love and strenght I can. On the plus side I get to work on my tan while cutting the grass, Hey you have to try to find the bright side of things, eles you might go crazy, trust me on this!!!
Riley and Aiden are growing by leaps and bounds! Riley and Aiden got new beds, they can become bunkbeds later down the road. Aiden has done good sleeping in his big boy bed! Riley likes his new bed too, he did not put up on bit of a fuss when we got rid of the car bed! I am so glad that we have gotten rid of it. It is a cool bed, but not when you have 2 kids in one room, it is a little too big for that. Aiden is talking more and more and Riley is still the same old Riley. I thank God for them!!!